From the now defunct thetoothnews.com:

Published by Montgomery Muraco

TALLAHASSEE, FL - In an unexpected development, the living will of Terri Schaivo has been discovered. The incredible document was found under a tall stack of “Shape” magazines and brought forth by Michael Schaivo’s housecleaner who later turned it over to The Tooth. The will answers many questions in the much publicized case that enraptured the nation over the past year.

The woman gained national attention over several years as Mrs. Schaivo’s husband, Michael, continued to claim his wife did not want to remain in a vegetative state indefinitely. Despite numerous court decisions, the woman’s parents and siblings continued to fight for her life by having laws passed to keep her alive.

Terri Schiavo passed away March 31, 2005, nearly two weeks after doctors removed the feeding tube that had sustained her for more than a decade.

However, the recently found and verified living will has shed new light on the situation. In the document, dated 1985, four years before her disabling cardiac arrest brought upon by bulimia, Mrs. Schaivo expressly and surprisingly wished to be made a public spectacle if she was ever reliant on machines to continue living.

The will states, “In the event of incapacitation, I wish for my vegetative body to be fought over by the nation, to become a media bonanza and focal point that eclipses all issues of true importance such as war, social security, jobs or health care. And, above all else, give me a bad haircut.”

Under questioning, Schaivo’s husband and parents, Bob and Mary Schindler, confessed to knowledge of the will. Enforcement officials stated the actual wishes of the interested parties in Schaivo’s case are the opposite of reality. The husband wishes for his wife to live, while the parents want to end her suffering by removing the feeding tube. However, since both the courts and congress would have sided with the husband in this case, they decided to switch their positions to help increase public awareness of Schaivo’s condition.

Mr. Schaivo released a statement through his lawyers on April 23rd which states: “I just wanted to follow my wife’s wishes and misdirect media attention from truly important issues while further degrading Terri’s rights as a human being. I want to thank the press for devoting ungodly amounts of time to the case and plastering images of her mindless gaze on television 24 hours a day.”

I think she would have been pleased at even cutting short a congressional recess and getting the President to return to Washington to sign a bill — on Palm Sunday weekend no less. She would have wanted it this way.”

Congress is currently working on a new emergency bill to void out the wishes of those who create living wills, especially if they express a wish to die in peace.

“We’re just happy that she got her wish.”

Technorati Tags: thetoothnews, Terri Schaivo, vegetative state, feeding tube, media, satire

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