Written by friend of bradsbits Clarence:
If you’re a young single man and not dating someone or looking to do so, people assume one of two things. You are either gay or there is something seriously wrong with you, neither of which is the case with myself. I have dated girls, women even, but never had a girlfriend. I am not embarrassed by this fact, but rather embrace it proudly.
I don’t need outside validation from a member of the opposite sex to feel I’m a worthwhile person. People tell me one of the greatest parts of being in love is finding someone who accepts and loves you for all of your faults and weaknesses. Why do you need somebody to accept your weaknesses? They will still exist and you will still need to deal with them. I find that accepting them for yourself is much more productive rather than asking somebody else to do it for you.
Society seems to operate on the idea that if nobody loves you romantically, you are somehow less of a person. That fact that you have found someone to eat dinner with you and have sex occasionally does not necessarily make you any better than you when did both of the above alone. It’s mentioned over and over that in order to succeed in this world, you shouldn’t compromise yourself, yet one of the most important parts of maintaining a long lasting relationship is being willing to make compromises. This doesn’t make sense.
I’m not bitter against love or afraid of it, I just don’t have the time for it. If it falls in my lap, I will go with it and be happy, but I don’t go around seeking it. I don’t want to make time for it. Going to bars to pick up women, reading personal ads, and getting set up on a blind date are all minor forms of masochism. I enjoy being happy way too much to give it up to spend an evening with a woman I have never met before. Before that can happen, there is awkwardness and anxiety, wrong impressions and forced conversation, hidden desires and a sense of desperation that I never want to face head on. A motto to live by is “never try to force something that doesn’t happen naturally.”
Society equates being alone to being unhappy for no justifiable reason. I’ve been told by married couples and those in relationships that they feel sorry for me because I have no idea what love is really like. By the same token, they don’t know what its like to live every minute of every day as your own, never needing to worry about how your significant other is going to be affected by it. If I want to go out for happy hour and get hammered at five o clock with friends, I’ll do it. Deciding to go camping and fishing for the weekend on a Saturday morning is no problem. Eating what you want to eat and doing what you want to do shouldn’t be a luxury, it should be a standard of living everyone enjoys.
I don’t know what true love really feels like, but maybe I don’t need to. Friends have told me that I am selfish, but in actuality, I’m just independent.
COPYWRITE 2007 Bradsbits
Technorati Tags: dating, girlfriend, sex, love, relationship, blind date, independent
February 4th, 2007 at 10:22 pm
Hey, I liked the article. I have been thinking these very same things for a while, you just crystalised it into an idea for me. I personally hate being depended on massively.A few friends and I have a long running joke where we call each other up demanding we drop what we are doing and come watch TV because “I am lonely” I dont think I would mind a girlfriend if they gave as much respect to my privacy as my friends do. It isnt selfish.
February 4th, 2007 at 11:41 pm
Preach!
Seriously though. I sometimes wonder how many of us exist. I’ve all but given up explaining this to people; very few of them do more than try to play the sympathy card.
Yet, when they have relationship woes who do they go to? Not the happy person that has been in a relationship for years and years, but the happy guy who hasn’t had one for years and years. It’s a twisted scenario when I try put it into perspective.
February 5th, 2007 at 12:45 am
This is a fairly girl-ified version of the same idea… mostly I just point it out to demonstrate that you’re not alone in the conclusions you’ve reached.
http://www.quirkyalone.net/
February 5th, 2007 at 12:48 am
We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people.
—
What now on the other hand makes people sociable is their incapacity to endure solitude and thus themselves.
February 5th, 2007 at 1:11 am
Do you have close friends or family who are a regular part of your life? Love isn’t just something that occurs in romantic or sexual relationships; that’s just one kind of love.
February 5th, 2007 at 1:17 am
It’s so funny, I was just thinking about this this morning — mostly how the amount of shit everyone gives me for not dating bothers me so much more than the being alone part does. Sometimes I feel like a different species — articles like this give me some hope that I’m not the only one. Thank you!
February 5th, 2007 at 1:22 am
like they often say, marriage is more of a financial arrangement than a love testament.
February 5th, 2007 at 1:33 am
Either you are gay, or there is something seriously wrong with you.
February 5th, 2007 at 2:26 am
I think your friends have a point, since you haven’t ever had a girlfriend and you don’t mention your family we have to assume your friends know you best. Love isn’t about giving up yourself, you have that all wrong. Life though isn’t all about being yourself either, the Western world has individualism all wrong too. You don’t stop being you when you fall in love or enter a long term, committed relationship.
Give it a go mate, trust someone else for a change, be happy, fall in love. It is a partnership, it is not thinking you are the be all and end all of life.
February 5th, 2007 at 2:36 am
Wow… Put me on the “messed up” bandwagon. Sure, people hitch up for all sorts of stupid reasons, but most people want a partner because they want someone to be emotionally close to. If you don’t need to be close with anyone, yeah, I’d say there’s something wrong with you. Most people don’t want this emotional closeness with family once they’re grown up, so they go out and find a partner. There’s also the sexual aspect to it. Most people want regular sex, and don’t want to have to pay for it.
Also, you assume that you can’t do what you want to do if you have a partner. Well, yeah, if you’ve matched yourself to a controlling asshole. Most couples have separate lives and do most things on their own. Sometimes, you do compromise because your partner needs you and the relationship is worth it to you.
Your comments about “awkwardness and anxiety, wrong impressions and forced conversation” lead me to believe that something is very wrong with you. Haven’t you ever made friends? Did you guys go from “How about that weather?” to close friends without any of the aforementioned “problems”? How about applying for a job? Maybe you should just live in your parent’s basement so you can avoid all that masochism a job interview entails.
You probably won’t post this comment, since it seems like you’re only posting agreements, but I wanted to send it out there.
February 5th, 2007 at 2:49 am
“Friends have told me that I am selfish, but in actuality, I’m just independent.”
Hmmm . . . off the top of my head it seems unlikely that all of Clarence’s friends are wrong about him, and only he has the clarity to see himself as he truly is. In fact, the intimation that this is the case seems self-absorbed and indicative of a lack of general awareness.
However, this has nothing to do with romantic love and is more of an interpersonal issue.
February 5th, 2007 at 2:51 am
Searching for love (i.e, in the personals section) is not the same thing as finding it (i.e, meeting some lovely person on the train). The former strikes me is a last resort, something that those who have tried everything else resort to; the latter, as I am sure you will agree with, seems more natural.
But what I don’t understand is how you declare that you don’t need love, but you are willing to accept it if it happens. In a way, you said it yourself: You have never experienced love of a woman. Hence, it is no wonder that you don’t understand why people make compromises (NOT compromise themselves) for the ones they love. Having a girlfriend is not necessarily the same thing as being in love, either.
And I agree that being alone is not the same thing as being lonely. As you said, society attaches “aloneness” to “loneliness” when they are very different.
(Also, there is something contradictory in you declaring yourself independent on a blog. Declaring yourself a kind of “Thoreauian” individualist seems like a mighty glorious thing to do, until you realize that on some level, you are still looking for societal acceptance, for people to agree with you.)
February 5th, 2007 at 2:58 am
It’s really all about instincts. My instincts tell me to procreate, and the my best bet is probably with a member of the opposite sex. If you play along with this “love” thing and marry then your children will have a better chance in life, coming from a stable family environment, and will effectively spread your genes in the gene pool. I agree that pretty much everything related to love is bullshit though.
February 5th, 2007 at 3:03 am
sounds like sour grapes to me.
February 5th, 2007 at 3:28 am
By stating that you have not experienced love you are losing a lot of credibility.
You should give it a try, seemingly you just don’t get what love is about.
February 5th, 2007 at 3:56 am
Being somebody who didn’t have a girlfriend or lose his virginity until 29 I can relate to a lot of things in this article. Especially the bit other people’s perceptions of single men. Thought things would get easier the longer I waited, when they only got more diffiult.
Not requiring validation is on of the first step to falling in love. The validation is the icing on the cake.
If love falls into your lap you wont appreciate it. You have to be dealt hits from some horrible women, have those crappy dates. Those dates are awkward and anxious because you care.
Don’t get me wrong, love will happen naturally, but it also takes effort and thought.
I wouldn’t say you were selfish. Afraid of getting hurt, maybe lazy. I know I was.
Sorry to lower the tone, but do you masturbate? If you’re one of the tiny minority of people that don’t, then good luck to you, you’re practising what you preach. If you do, you may want to think more about why.
I like your post, it’s a brave thing to do. Not sure I would’ve had the balls to blog something like this.
So long as you like yourself and don’t hide yourself from the possiblity of hurt I’d wager you’ll find love too. Buying a house helps too
February 5th, 2007 at 4:02 am
i’ve held the same position all my life.. and like you, i have gotten hell for it. whenever in a relationship and the physical ‘high’ of that person wears off.. i always have a sense of being trapped. especially if they are of the ‘clingy’ type.
.. but then again.. “no man is an island unto himself”
February 5th, 2007 at 4:05 am
There are thouasands like you. Relax. “Relationships” aren’t natural. Nothing is anymore. Don’t feel stressed because you’re not like everyone else. It’s not your fault that they are entrenched. I’ll never marry. I don’t want pain, like a lot of people seem to crave and long for.
Start reading here: http://eternalbachelor.blogspot.com
February 5th, 2007 at 4:43 am
I both agree and disagree with your statement.
First I agree that you don’t need someone to justify your existence and will even go on to say that people who do so are just using the other person as a crutch for their deficiencies.
Second, I disagree with you cause it seems like you haven’t developed socially enough, evolved, to achieve love or some semblance of it. You even go as far to admit such behavior, ie: “there is awkwardness and anxiety, wrong impressions and forced conversation, hidden desires and a sense of desperation that I never want to face head on”. This tells me that you never took the time to really socially interact with people. Granted, there usually is a time where people are feeling each other out, but that’s ‘natural’ and it’s up to you to accept that and work with it.
I’ve been in both worlds. I have had girl friends, have been alone and dating. I’ve enjoyed and been annoyed with both worlds. And you know what, it all depends on what your needs are. It’s fun to share something with a special someone. And it’s also great to get shit faced by yourself. But at the end of the day, it’s all about what kind of life you want. If you feel that being alone is your thing, then that’s that. Some people feel the need to be with someone and we are genetically and instinctually wired up for pairing. Maybe you are just broken :-p
Living in a world and society is all about fulfilling needs and compromise. You seem like you would rather fulfill your needs and not compromise, which in a way makes you selfish and rather self serving. And unfortunately you have some fanboys who are of the same ilk.
February 5th, 2007 at 6:11 am
Nice, these are some seriously good thoughts. I’m a blogger myself, although I write in Swedish so you probably wouldn’t understand jack shit.
Anyway, I wish I could have the same views as you on love, but as many others I’m molded into the form that you need to find a girl. This post actually made me feel a little bit better after my third break up in 4 years, maybe I should calm down and enjoy the best years of my life.
Keep it up! I’ll definetly start watching your RSS feed.
February 5th, 2007 at 7:50 am
I agree, but you also can’t just blast out “Zomg! People don’t understand me!” whenever you might have some serious issues dealing with people.
February 5th, 2007 at 7:52 am
I’ve had plenty of girlfriends over my 33 years and I have to say that I agree with this post for the most part.
Falling in love is nice but I don’t need it; I’ve had long stretches of the single life that were superb.
I think many get caught up thinking its a requirement to have a partner the majority of the time. Honestly, when I hear friends go on and on about wanting a partner, it never fails that they’re overly insecure or don’t have much going on in their lives at that moment.
February 5th, 2007 at 10:22 am
fuck you love is awesome. you’re just jealous.
February 5th, 2007 at 12:30 pm
Some people need companionship more than others, it’s true, but I think you should try being in love for a while before deciding that being alone is better. Not to say that being alone doesn’t have its benefits, but there is something to be said for the wonderful feeling you get waking up next to the same person every single day.
February 5th, 2007 at 12:51 pm
I’m assuming he’s still young. Being alone gets old when you’re old.
February 5th, 2007 at 1:05 pm
Please be careful about thinking too much and getting boxed into a narrow concept of yourself.
February 5th, 2007 at 3:25 pm
As an asexual person myself, I see exactly where this guy is coming from. If I had to write a blog like his, and I looked at his again, I probably wouldn’t see the difference. I also find it insane and hypocritical for all the “love fools” out there to criticize how this guy and other celibate people live. It’s just stupid to me. Saying that “if you’ve never experienced love before, you don’t know what you’re missing” logic is null, voided, and completely irrelevant. That’s like a homosexual telling me if I’ve never tried it, I don’t know what I’m missing. That kind of logic is stupid!
If a person is stable(I stress this greatly, and I’ll tell why)and or happy living single, no person “who’s supposedly in love” should criticize it. If you’re happy constantly in the rat race to find love rather than to find the true nature and beauty of loving self first, than how happy are you really. No one really “needs” love with a mate the same way a person needs food and shelter so what’s the point in it.
I mentioned being stable earlier, and that’s what I am currently. I’m not depressed in any matter about anything, though I do feel that my live could be a little better. I’m also not hopelessly happy, over-anxious, and delighted with joy, but I’m greatly stable and I love my life the way it is. If a nice young woman finds me and I’m interested-meaning she’s matches my requirements perfectly-than fine I don’t mind dating, but I’m not going to go out every night searching for something that I’m really not interested in…love. Those people that say that YOU NEED LOVE/A MATE, are just really stupid, shallow, unhappy, unworthy and lonely creatures with a very low self-esteem about themselves. As a perfectly stable asexual/heterosexual male that’s stable with my life, I have no regrets, and I feel that non of the idiotic hopelessly romantics out there have no room to judge me. I get to do what I want in life, people who are “involved” have to make compromises…something I just refuse to do!
February 5th, 2007 at 7:20 pm
Is that the reason why you are showing a picture of yourself on this blog? Throw a bait in the line of “we never know what may come along”? After all, you might invite curious individuals to prove your point wrong.
I have found a lot of love along my life. It feels wonderful. Good luck with yours.
February 6th, 2007 at 11:47 am
Excellent article. The criticism you are describing is similar to what women who are career oriented go through. Why aren’t you married and why don’t you want kids? Another major annoyance for me is married friends who try to hook me up with all their single friends. I’ve got a full time day job and I’m targeting a CxO executive position one day. I also run one for-profit and one non-profit company in my “free” time. Vietnamese also place immediate and extended family above the spouse. Most white or black women don’t deal well with that concept. To sum it up my priorities are:
1. Career
2. Family
3. Friends
4. Cat
5. Girlfriend.
It just makes sense. How is someone you just met going to compete for time with people that have been with you all your life or friends that you’ve known for years?
Most of the women my friends try to hook me up with would balk at the idea of being anything but #1. That says you want to be less an individual than some joined identity with another person. I would fully expect any woman I have an interest in to put me at least #5 or lower on the list. It’s about being yourself and not compromising.
February 8th, 2007 at 3:25 pm
I’m Vietnamese, and I wouldn’t say that I would put my family and extended family above my future spouse. I would think my spouse as part of my immediate family.
It’s also on a case-by-case basis. I know plenty of white women who are close to their families and place them high on their priorities.
And that’s what it really is all about - priorities. For some it may be their career, for others it’s love. It doesn’t make one person better than another just because their priority doesn’t involve a romantic relationship. I know enough people who rendezvous late nights with their job, shutting out other aspects of their lives.
Being independent is great, and you need it to be a first class human being. But let’s not deny this fact: We are social creatures. It’s instinctive to grasp onto others around us. We blog partly because we need to express ourselves, but also to share our small piece of the world with others. It’s natural, and to deny this basic instinct is unhealthy.
February 14th, 2007 at 8:00 am
[…] My favorite part of Clarence’s post is, “People tell me one of the greatest parts of being in love is finding someone who accepts and loves you for all of your faults and weaknesses. Why do you need somebody to accept your weaknesses? They will still exist and you will still need to deal with them. I find that accepting them for yourself is much more productive rather than asking somebody else to do it for you.” (read full article) […]
April 12th, 2007 at 6:48 pm
Preach it, brother!
This pretty much matches my own views on life and, like everyone else, the older I get the more crap I have to take for it. Maybe there is something wrong with me (from a society’s point of view at least), but I can’t for the life of me figure out the awesome leap of logic by which “willingly single” becomes “totally gay”.